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So, Thursday was quite an emotional day. It started off with a text from my friend JT telling me she was cramping and had passed a clot. I quickly called her and she told me she was soon seeing the Dr. and things were not going well. I was a wreck the rest of the morning waiting for news and cried quietly a few times over my own previous loss. The news did come later and it was not good. Her dream had been taken from her at just 7 short weeks along. I called to check on her and we chatted about what the plan was now and she was ok with everything. I am sure she will mourn in her own way.
Later that evening, while out shopping, I got a text again. This time, announcing the birth of the newest family member! He arrived at 6:06pm! I will have to post stats when we get them. One dream was lost today while a whole new dream has just begun!
I have to ask though-Why is it, no matter how much time passes, some things still hurt just as bad as the day they happened? Odd thing, for whatever reason, early the same morning I had just had a really good cry while lying in bed unable to sleep over the death of my mother. It will be 19 years on June 26th that she passed away, but for some reason, it was fresh in my mind that morning. The pain of my neighbor sitting in front of me holding my head against her, telling me not to look as they wheeled her out of the house into the ambulance, with little hope left, is still so fresh and painful. And the news from the Dr. gathered with many, many people who raced to the hospital when they heard. I looked at my dad and he and I were in the middle of the room and just hugged. People then took turns going in to say their good-byes. I sat alone in a dark waiting room, with a nun bringing me a wet wash cloth, checking on me, and explaining that I did not have to go in there and see her like that. I never cried that night. Plenty of that came later, for the next 19 years. From wondering if she was proud of things I did, or not so proud of others. It was really hard when Princess was born and her not being there. Replacement mother (birth mother I met at 30 years old) just was never able to fill my void, mostly because I never wanted her to. I did feel like I knew she was with me when Princess was about 3 months old and would lay on the bed after a middle of the night feeding and coo to the air. Once, the smell of my mother’s rose perfume lofted across the room. It was then that I knew that she was really with me. Then, I started finding dimes. And now I know when I find a dime in an odd place, it is her.
Last night, before bed, I stayed awake to get some laundry done. I was emotionally exhausted and as I pulled the last piece of clothing from the washer, there was a dime in the bottom of the tub. It seemed the perfect way to end this kind of day.
So, I went for my ENT follow-up to see what the CT scan showed. I was able to look at my own CT Scan on the computer and the PAC showed me how to use the mouse to see the different views, it was pretty cool. The outcome of the scan though, not so cool. The left side has a polyp on it. The right side is completely blocked at my nose sinuses. Explains a ton. Why the meds are not working, why I am constantly either plugged or dripping, etc etc. All the tissues are massively swollen in there. The PAC, Daniel, is very kind and said to me “didn’t you have surgery?” and then something to the effect of not expecting to be back at the beginning again. I told him I did 3 years ago and was told at that time that due to the extent of what was going on in there coupled with the extent of severe allergies that I have I would likely be back again. He then went off to get the ENT and told me I could play with the computer and look at my scan some more, but seriously, how much can one look at the inside of your face?? So, because the meds are not working due to the swelling there were only 2 choices on the menu. #1 being surgery of course. #2 being a round of steroids. Well, I choose #2, but after 3 days of this choice I am afraid I am going to have to make a call on Tuesday and see how quickly I can get off of these things. I have had a headache since starting, face has broke out, I feel exhausted, the hunger of course, and acid reflux or something of that nature, tummy issues. But, my biggest gripe is going to be the headaches and just tell them I cannot possible do 2 full weeks of this and want to wean off asap. I am pretty sure just being on a few days I can stop completely, but I won’t do it until I speak to them. I will just tell the nurse, who I assume I will talk to on the phone, that I don’t even need to come back for the re-check, let’s just let him go in and clean me out. I won’t do anything right away- have to make sure everyone is settled at work (new person) and want to find out what my down time will be. I did not work with my first Surgery. Princess was about 21 months old and I was staying at home with her then so I have no idea what recovery time was and I did not have the stress of worrying about it. I do know there was a bit of time I was unable to pick her up though. But, I remember not feeling bad at all right afterwards. It was just the nosebleeds that sucked the worst after, so I am guessing a week will probably be all I need. And I will have to schedule around my MIL vacation so I have someone to take Princess and I don’t have to worry about her. So it will be end of July or sometime in August. In the meantime I will stick to the new meds he gave me, 2 nasal sprays and try to do more of the nasal washes though they sting on the one side. I will see what plays out on Tuesday when I call–I don’t want them to think I wimped out on the drugs, I usually do well, but I am just not tolerating them well at all. So, there we have my newest illness report. Stay tuned for the next installment. LOL
Head over to my good friend, BL’s blog at The Angel Forever and help her celebrate her second son’s first birthday. Who can believe the little chunky, smiley, monkey can be one already?? And while you are there check out the GIANT CUPCAKE she made for his party!! She so must tell me how she did that!!
Note to JSL: Mommy said stop growing and I second that!!
Please watch and pass it on!
I can name ONE for sure because I have become DOPEY!
Cecily over at Uppercase Woman who has a blog I LOVE, warned about this in her blog when she was writing about fighting her migraines. I went on Topomax 2 months ago. Apparently it is referred to as DOPE-amax. I totally get it now! I have been more dopey than usual lately. Work is the one place I pride myself on being my best. I may not get Princess her veggie and fruit quota everyday (heck it’s a jackpot day when that ever happens!) We have been more busy then EVER- added 2 new therapists to the staff and had 41 new clients in the last month, when we usually have an average of maybe 10, so this COULD explain it, however, again, in the over 2 years I have been there I have made sure there is one mistake that I have NEVER made. I Have NEVER forgot to add a new client to the schedule. See, we take the intake over the phone on paper, schedule them, then all the information must be entered into the system before they can actually have their name plopped into that spot. TWO clients in the last month have been added to the system but never made it to the schedule. Guess who did both of them?? MOI!! I wanted to die. Luckily, due to the system of how things are done, they were both caught before they came in and had phone calls placed to them. No one gets mad, no one gets “in trouble” life goes on.
Then the other night, after getting the last client into session, I turned off the computer, shut the window, got my things and left. I was heading to the bookstore and Target to get some things for Caryn (Kylie’s mamma) and after getting there it hit me. That was ALL I DID!!! WTH??? There is like 6 more steps to closing up!! ACK!!! The money was still out- worst part!! So I left one of the therapist who I can count on and knew would check her voice mail a panicked message. She called me back on my cell right after her session and was sweet and I walked her through what to do. I explained my DOPamax the next day.
But, this is just so bad for little Ms. Perfect! What’s a gal to do?? I asked one of the clients who comes in (she recommended I go on this pill in the first place) and she told me she too, uncharacteristically, became brain dead. She said to hang in and it will pass. I sure hope so! I hate living in the fog of not knowing what I may have did or NOT DID without knowing it!! The meds are really warding off the awful headaches I had been experiencing. I Will use up this month’s supply and if it doesn’t de-fog a little maybe I will go back and see what my options are. That’s always how it has been with my migraines- whatever works has some kind of non-tolerable side effect!!
So, Princess requested we play a game while she stole my snack we had a snack together. She almost always picks Candyland. Her and I played 2 games then it was daddy’s turn. One of mommy’s Candyland “rules” I guess you can call it is if I pick the Ice Cream Cone card she makes a deal with me and I always give in and trade her for what she picks. I Know, I Know, but heck, she is only little once, what’s the big deal?? Well, daddy didn’t know this rule and what were the chances he was going to pick that card, in game 3, at 9:30, after gym day at school, dance class, a trip to the park and a bath night?? I was engrossed in the TV (with my new snack- all my own which I ended up sharing also!) when the chaos began. No! I picked that card so I go there, says Mr. Big. “MOMMY! Daddy won’t give me the ice cream cone!” So I calmly explain to daddy that yes, I do give her the cone, no other cards, just the cone, cause she LOVES the cone. He tells me she is going to lose friends by playing this way, I say he is nuts. She, meanwhile, is still in the midst of 4 year old, night time melt down mode when he says “OK, so if you go on the ice cream cone where do I go then?” <insert that I am laughing so hard at remembering the sight of this as I try to type- a total you had to be there moment> She picks up his little green man, and says, loudly I might add, “You’re just out of here!!!!!!!” and CHUCKS the green man across the room. I died. I was on my side, in the chair, in hysterics. Princess won. Game Over.
R.I.P Baby Kylie
January 14, 2008 – May 5, 2008
Caryn, who is a great mother to 2 boys, Brandon and Jacob and one girl, Kylie and also calls my sister Lorri her best friend lost her littlest angel today. She passed away peacefully in her sleep. They are not sure why yet. Please Keep Caryn, Scott, Brandon and Jacob in your prayers as they search their hearts for answers to why their baby girl, who they longed so much for and loved so deeply was taken from them so soon. Keep praying as the days pass, the support of people become less and the reality sets in deeper as the days go on.
Edited to add: If anyone would like to send a card of sympathy to the family with or without some kind of donation to the family for the expenses of Kylie’s last days here on earth with them, please contact me personally so I can get a name and address to you. Thanks!
Question: What happens when a 4.5 and 3 year old girl have their own ideas about a window in a room alone?
So, I had the neighbor girl, who Princess calls Meg, over for a while this evening, as I do almost every Sunday and Monday. They always play in the Princess Bedroom either with the Barbie like dolls or with the Chef Tony Kitchen. Well, Princess has this cleaning thing – I swear she has some OCD in her. She took my (yes MY) wipes from the bathroom (whole other post there!!) and was cleaning the window sill and decided she needed to open the screen to get it cleaned well enough. A quote from later in the night “boy that screen is really hard to open mommy” Really? ugh. Anyhow. The girls had moved festivities to the front yard and I just happened to be headed through the kitchen when the neighbor behind us appeared at the kitchen door. “I just wanted to tell you that Ringo is on the back roof” says Patti. My first thought was “WHAT?” I just bolted through the house, made a quick stop at the front door and shouted out at Mr. Big that he was on the roof to which I hear, while continuing the bolt up the stairs, “How did he get up there??” Well, gee, let me stop to ponder and answer you Mr Big! One would have thought he would have been right behind me, but Nope! So, there I was on a stool, calling to Ringo the cat as he was trying to catch his footing (no front claws) and moved slowly towards me. Then, just as he was in arms reach – plop! He did the cat – back roll. HELLO!! I am not going to belly rub you on the roof!! Finally he got close enough that I got on my toes, hung out the window and did the mommy cat grab on him and pulled him in. In the meantime, the girls had made their way in to the potty. Princess was on doing her business while Meg was visiting with her. I proceeded to asked if they knew where Ringo was, how he got there and how the screen got open. Their eyes got big as saucers. I asked if she knew what would have happened had he fallen off! She told me “he would have been hurt and had to go to the hospital” Well, the second floor drop would have done way more to 10 pound Mr. Ringo, so later when I told her only Mommy and Daddy open the screen (hence the hard to open comment) I explained that he would have went to Heaven had he fallen off the roof today. Never a dull moment!! Tomorrow, Princess gets to visit over there and give us a break!! Ay yi yi.
Did I mention this was after she was throwing chalk up on the roof out front?? Mind you, I did not know whether to yell DONT THROW CHALK ON THE ROOF or yell WHAT AN ARM!! I did neither as I could not decide, told daddy to watch and he took care of the yelling part. Smart? Yes I am.